Your words
If you want to have a relationship with me there is one thing you should know.
I don’t handle mean words…or yelling.
If you are mad at me and decide to say mean things to me I don’t take it well. I will forgive you, I will not hold a grudge but what I can promise you is that there will be a new “wall” put up. My arm will be a bit stiffer and you will not know me like I may wish you did. You may not see me act in a fun, free way around you anymore.
I’m sensitive.
And I think that is okay.
I want constructive criticism. I make mistakes all the time. But the people I want in my life, the people I want close to me, will know how to talk through our issues. We will share our hurt feelings and how to not have that happen again. We will talk with love, patience and kindness.
I also do not know how I became this way.
(this is not a message to a particular person but just something I am realizing about myself.)
True confessions
I think it’s time.
I am ready to find somebody to spend my life with. I also feel extremely called to start a family…. to build my life.
I better make sure every step I take is in line with what the Lord wants… this is serious stuff.
Happy I got that off my chest :)
Thoughtfulness
I have always been a thoughtful person. How am I going to change the world? Who am I? Is there a God? What is love? So I assume that others have these thoughts. The longer I work with teenagers the more I realize that this is not a character trait everyone has.
I asked my Bible study students to come up with 5 events in their lives that they see as a event or a moment of change. 5. Half of them could not do this. The sad thing is, some of them didn’t even want to put in the brain power to think of events. Why would someone not want to know their own story? How could someone know oneself if they do not even understand their own story?
I have been thinking about this for 24 hours now. Our society no longer has to think. We no longer have time to think but now with technology even when we do have those moments to contemplate, we don’t. Smart phones. I am guilty as anyone else but I love that when I am waiting in line or in a waiting room or at a stop light, I turn my phone on. Why? So I don’t have to think… I can be entertained. What am I cutting out of my life by doing this? Well for one I am cutting out time to think about my day, what went good, bad; maybe even what I need to do the rest of the day.
I had a friend tell me a story just this past week about playing with the neighborhood kids. He taught a 13 year old to climb a tree. This 13 year old boy had NEVER climbed a tree. Never? Never pretended to play “pioneer” and pack a bad and live in a tree for an hour? Never sat in a tree to hide from the world only to wonder what life would be like in the future? I remember when I was a young girl I used to sit on the swing and write stories about my life, how I felt, what I was exploring in my thoughts at the time. Do majority of the children have active imaginations now? Or do they have IPAD’s to entertain them in the car instead of having thoughtful conversations with their family?
I love the IPAD, I love my IPhone and the benefits are numerous when using this type of technology. Yesterday, I sat in a room at a graduation party, my nephew played a game on my iphone, my sister played on her ipad and another relative played on his iphone. Now this in itself is not a bad thing. I am sure we had other things to fill our time before apple products. We had a relative facetime at the party and it was like she was there; her floating head on a screen walking around at a party. Really, if you take a step back and think about this, I am sure it was on some sci-fi moving as a thought that would never happen.
I want to de-clutter my life. Be more aware of how often I am thinking. I want to explore the world… all aspects, even the technology world. I am not against apple products or even the craze but I am against the lazy minds of my generation and the generation after me. Continue critical thinking. Think on….
Migraines
I truly believe that migraines are from the devil.
Senoritis in Grad school… 83 days until graduation…If i pass this class!
Why? Why is it so hard for me to do this homework! It is sad really….
TRUTH
Sometimes I run or skip around my apartment.
I also really love to run and jump into my bed.
fear… (EDIT: selfishness)
Not having a pity party… BUT
Do you ever feel that when you need people they aren’t going to be there? I do.
My personality is one that is there for people. I live on helping others; it’s who I am. BUT
what if there is a time in my life where I need someone to reach out to me? I am afraid I don’t know that anyone will.
The Lord is faithful.
EDIT:
okay so this post just sounds crazy. I’m not going to to take it down because my feelings are real.
BUT
I must keep in mind all the wonderful people that have gone OUT OF THEIR WAY to help me. I mean seriously I am so blessed with people in my life.
I have friends to help me. Care about me. Family that loves me.
I just had a moment of loniness… maybe?
Please my friends who read this. DON’T take offense from my first part of this post. I am grateful for you and I do appreciate ALL that you have done for me.
Deliever me…
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus…. How I trust you.
Deliever me.
Come pull me through.
It is for HIS strength, power, grace, mercy, might and love that people are saved. NOT by my actions. People knowing Christ… this is what I have anxiety about. I would give my life if only people would discover the love of Christ. I get physically ill about it. But Christ gave HIS life so people would know Him. So where and what do I need to do? I am deep in prayer about this right now. May His glory shine through.
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.
Lent
I believe that this Lent is going to teach me a lot.
1) I am giving up hanging out with any guy friend one on one.
This may seem crazy to some but for me it will be significant. I have such a suppor system in my life. First, my sisters are great. Second, my girlfriends have been my best friends my whole life and won’t leave my side, nor will I theirs. Third, I have some amazing, God fearing men in my life that would come help me in a heart beat. They work out with me, have tea with me, push me and make sure I feel special on my worst days. Really, I have got it made…. I am very blessed with these people in my life. A couple weeks ago in church we were talking about how it feels to feel lonely and how Christ is there even when no one else is. I haven’t felt lonely in awhile, maybe I’m not meant to be. But I do know that I need some time to myself. Now I am so grateful for these people in my life but my choice to not be one on one with men will allow my friends to just be friends and some other reasons. No, I am not being riskay with them, yes they are all just friends and always hanging out in public places but I feel this overwhelming calling to do this. SO… we will see what God has to teach me.
2) I am giving up television.
I was a big TV watcher when I was younger. Mainly because in the Schutt household thats what they do, watch TV. After highschool I NEVER watched TV. I went 3 years without any sort of cable in my house. Now I have it and I have shows i love but I find myself spending more time watching tv than I ever want. I want to be spending that time praying and writing. So that is my goal; to pray and write during these times.
I’m overwhelmed with life right now. Maybe this will help.
